When friends don't understand your IBD

Having inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) can sometimes make friendships tricky. Your friends might not understand why you feel unwell, why you need to cancel plans, or why you sometimes need to leave class or an activity to use the toilet.

It can be frustrating when people don't understand what you're going through, especially when you just want to feel like everyone else.

Maybe a friend thinks you're exaggerating, makes jokes about your symptoms, or gets annoyed when you can't hang out. You might feel hurt, embarrassed, lonely, or even worried that your friends will stop inviting you to things.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Let's look at why friends might not understand IBD, what you can do about it, and how to handle friendships when things get difficult.

💭 Why don't my friends understand IBD?

IBD can be difficult for other people to understand because they can't always see what you're experiencing.

You might look completely fine on the outside while dealing with stomach pain, tiredness, nausea, or other symptoms on the inside. Your friends might wonder why you need to rest when you don't look sick or why you suddenly can't do something you were looking forward to.

They might also confuse IBD with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a stomach bug, or simply having a sensitive stomach. They may not realise that IBD is a long-term condition that can cause inflammation in your digestive system.

Sometimes, friends don't understand because they've never experienced anything similar. They might not know what to say or how to help.

Not understanding doesn't always mean someone doesn't care. Your friends might need a little help learning about IBD.

However, it's important to remember that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, even when someone doesn't fully understand your condition.

🗣️ How to explain IBD to your friends

You don't have to give your friends a full science lesson about IBD. Sometimes, a simple explanation is enough to help them understand what you're dealing with.

You could say things like:

• "I have a condition called IBD that causes inflammation in my digestive system."

• "Sometimes, I feel really tired or have stomach pain, even if I look fine."

• "I might need to cancel plans when I'm unwell. It doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you."

• "I sometimes need to use the toilet urgently, and I can't always control when that happens."

• "IBD isn't something I can just switch off, and I can't always predict how I'll feel."

You can choose how much information you share. You don't have to explain your symptoms in detail or talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable.

If talking face-to-face feels awkward, you could send your friend a message instead. You could also share a website or article that explains IBD in a way that's easy to understand.

Remember, you don't have to convince everyone to understand every part of your condition. The goal is to help your friends understand enough to treat you with care.

😔 When your friends think you're making excuses

It can really hurt when a friend thinks you're making excuses because you can't do something.

Maybe you have to miss a birthday party, leave a sleepover early, or sit out of a sports activity because you're feeling unwell. If your friend responds with, "You're always sick," or "You're just making excuses," you might feel like you have to prove how bad you're feeling.

You don't.

You know what you're experiencing, even if your friend can't see it. You shouldn't have to show someone how much pain you're in to prove that you need rest or support.

You could try saying:

• "I'm not making excuses. I'm genuinely not feeling well."

• "I wish I could come, too, but I need to look after myself today."

• "I know it might be hard to understand, but I can't always control my symptoms."

You can explain your situation calmly, but you don't need to keep defending yourself if someone refuses to listen.

If a friend regularly dismisses your symptoms or makes you feel guilty for being unwell, it might help to talk to a trusted adult about what's happening.

💚 What if my friends make jokes about my IBD?

Sometimes, friends make jokes because they don't realise how hurtful their words can be. They might joke about your toilet breaks, your medication, your food choices, or the fact that you miss school.

Even if they say they're only joking, it doesn't mean you have to find it funny.

You are allowed to tell your friends when something upsets you.

You could say:

• "I know you're joking, but I don't find that funny."

• "Please don't make jokes about my health."

• "I don't mind talking about IBD, but I don't want my symptoms to be the punchline."

You don't need to laugh along to make everyone else comfortable.

A good friend should care about how their words make you feel. They might make mistakes sometimes, but they should be willing to listen and try to do better when you explain that something hurts you.

If the jokes continue, or if people are deliberately embarrassing you, it could be bullying rather than harmless teasing. Speak to a trusted adult, such as a parent, teacher, or school counsellor, if you need help dealing with it.

🫂 When you feel left out because of IBD

Missing out on things because of IBD can be difficult enough without feeling as though your friends are moving on without you.

You might see photos of your friends hanging out while you were at home feeling unwell. You might worry that they'll stop inviting you to things because they think you'll always say no.

It's understandable if this makes you feel sad, jealous, or lonely.

Here are some things you could try:

• Tell your friends you still want to be included. Let them know that even if you can't always attend, you'd still like to be invited.

• Suggest different plans. If a big day out feels too difficult, you might prefer a movie night, a relaxed catch-up, or a shorter activity.

• Stay connected in small ways. Sending messages, playing an online game, or having a quick video call can help you feel included when you can't go out.

• Make flexible plans. If your symptoms can be unpredictable, choose activities that can be changed or rescheduled if needed.

• Be kind to yourself. Missing an event doesn't mean you're a bad friend or that you're missing out on everything.

You won't be able to attend every event, and that's okay. Your health matters, too.

🤝 What if my friends don't want to learn about IBD?

You can explain IBD, answer questions, and give your friends opportunities to understand your experiences. But you cannot force someone to listen or care.

If you've tried explaining your condition and a friend continues to dismiss your feelings, make hurtful comments, or treat you differently because of your health, it's worth thinking about how that friendship makes you feel.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel comfortable being myself around this person?

• Do they listen when I tell them something is upsetting me?

• Do they respect me when I need to look after my health?

• Do I feel supported, or do I often feel guilty or embarrassed?

Not every friendship will be perfect. Friends can misunderstand each other, say the wrong thing, and need time to learn.

But a healthy friendship should include respect, kindness, and room for both people to have feelings and needs.

You deserve friends who try to understand you, even if they don't always get everything right.

🌈 Finding people who understand

It can be comforting to meet other kids and teens who also live with IBD. They may understand things that are difficult to explain to friends who don't have a long-term health condition.

You might connect with other young people through an IBD support organisation, a hospital support programme, or an age-appropriate online community.

Talking to someone with similar experiences can remind you that you're not the only person dealing with unpredictable symptoms, missed activities, or awkward conversations.

You don't have to replace your current friends with people who have IBD. Having a mix of friends and supportive people can be helpful.

You can also talk to your IBD nurse, a parent or carer, or a school counsellor if you're struggling with friendships or feeling alone.

⭐ Remember this

Your friends might not always understand what living with IBD feels like, and that's okay. They don't have to experience your condition themselves to treat you with kindness, listen to you, and respect your needs.

You are not being difficult when you need to cancel plans, take a break, or put your health first. You are dealing with something that can be challenging, and you deserve understanding and support.

Keep talking to the people who make you feel safe, give your friends a chance to learn when they're willing, and remember that you don't have to prove how you feel to deserve kindness.

The right friends won't expect you to hide your IBD to fit in. They'll want you to feel included, supported, and accepted for who you are.